...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
