By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
