At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Enjoy the penises
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
