im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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