Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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