Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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