You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
