When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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