my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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