also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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