3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
