scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize