4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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