Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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