Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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