If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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