Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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