my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
