i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
