I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
