I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
