I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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