Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize