I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
