everyone is single if you try hard enough
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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