so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
BRING THE BAGELS
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
