Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
