I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
