So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
