god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
