I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
