He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
