the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
