two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
