i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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