i jhust puked up my retainher.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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