Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
