last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Randomize
