I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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