I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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