I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
