Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
