This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
