Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
