i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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