Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
