They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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