is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
