Where is the hickey?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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