I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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