I'm really into asian looking animals
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize