I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize