ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
