I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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